Author: ilovemuffins
Story: You Complete Me
Reviewer: Cerebral
Title: 1/5
I won’t be clicking that. Boring.
I also did the courtesy of using AFF custom Google.
There are currently 2 other stories with the same title. Titles are supposed to be one of a kind, and technically all lovers ‘complete’ each other- well that’s in my opinion. It doesn’t really give a clue as to what the story is at all. Except that it’s romantic but hell, are there really any stories that aren’t romantic nowadays?
Forward/Description: 2/5
It’s technically a drama you can see anywhere but as I read it I’m just going to say it’s quite amazing how you actually- actually had the guts to create a story like this. I wouldn’t, but I guess it’s because the idea overall doesn’t appeal directly to my style.
Plot/Originality: 15/30
It’s not exactly original, quite like a story that can be found in a movie or a drama-as such.
I love how realistic this story is, like everything isn’t blown out of proportion at all. You have the capability of stating things-and they flow and happen. Was that confusing? Forgive me.
I personally find the plot a little irregular. I’ve read stories where the guy thinks about the protagonist but I still don’t really understand why. He thinks about the mom a lot but still…I just don’t get why. I seem to notice you force things to flow towards the mom (though very subtle)I’m sure that she isn’t the first beautiful woman that has an incredible voice. I’ll give you an excerpt from one of my stories (Since I can’t think of examples) that may or may not help you.
I looked at Kyuhyun as he walked ahead of me, feeling his hand clench at my wrist. Taking in his features once again as he led me forward, I sighed. His face was truly dazzling. His back was breathtaking, lean and toned. He looked reliable, it truly made me envious.
That sort of thing, where you take more of the features of the person and put in the feelings of the protagonist about the features. It allows more feel, I believe. (P.S. Even though I’m not supposed to go off topic in my reviews, that excerpt isn’t even submitted yet :x!) And you won’t seem so forced (at least in my opinion)
However, cupcakes and all that good stuff doesn’t really teach you anything in the story. I believe every single event in a story should piece up to the plot, but really…that stuff doesn’t contribute to the plot. Nor does it really allow you to learn more of the characters (and even then you don’t need to slow down the story by showing the characters a little more)
Flow: 1/10
The flow is a little slow in the beginning, to the point where I got confused as to where I was. You can let us know how he feels about his wife…but you can also do that without slowing down the story completely.
There’s a lot of blabber (sorry) in the middle of action. There should be a lot of action and some fun later. But all fun and happiness much contribute to the flow of the story. Therefore, at the pace you’re going now, it’s really slow.
Characterization: 10/10
It’s a bit of hypocrisy that I just have to mention. He thinks of GNA and cries for his wife but when he thinks of another woman that is pretty (the mom) he doesn’t. He’s a bit of an exaggerated crybaby; I mean I understand his wife died, a year ago. Even sooo…it seems to make things forced to go into the direction of the female protagonist.
You successfully gave each child, person, their own personality. With their own slight variations (Note that personalities should not have such wild variations).
Imagery: 3/10
She was really beautiful. I bet she was someone in this class's sister. Their class ended and the students ran out. "Mommy!" I heard a little boy shout.
So….how is she beautiful? Lack of imagery proceeds for me to figure out how they look-which means they’re practically a blank face in my eyes.
So remember that the five senses are very important, I’d suggest reading over your own stories and thinking AND imagining.
So when I reached upon the death scene, I actually didn’t feel sad. It was very well written but…I somehow believe it was the lack of imagery, maybe the sense of touch- like the heart would be racing and his body went cold when he looked at her. How horrendous it would be for just her body to be in that solid white room.
As much as I like pictures, I would really prefer both, explanations and a picture. It seems a little cut/weird for me to just click on a picture and say oh ohkay that’s how it looks. I don’t really know how to explain this~
Writing Style: 10/10
The main point is that I understood your story completely and your writing style didn’t make me go ‘wtf’ at any point. It’s very well written and I can see a lot of rereading has been down.
Grammar/Format: 10/10
I didn’t really notice anything. There were mistakes but it happens~
Ending: -/10
52/75= 69 pct
Now…I believe it’s just your flow and the way you write the story that seems to force towards the female character. I probably reviewed your story wrong too…since I’m a beginner and get ALL sections confused with the other, so don’t completely trust my review, okay?
Labels: Review Results
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