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RukiBlood - You wish this was a love story

Author: rukiblood

Story: You Wish This Was a Love Story

Reviewer: Cerebral

Title/Forward: 5/10

I passed by this story before.

So I can give you props for making me click the story since it was the story name.

However, 0 for your description. I ran away at that part. The odds of your previous readers appearing at all your one-shots are low. So at this point you’re just telling 500+ readers to read something they don’t really need to.

Plot/Flow/Feel/Originality: 10/30

I slept with mix feelings that night. Yes, I felt bad for the breakup because it was my fault, but then I felt relieved. I’m Gikwang’s closest friend in the whole entire city and now I have him all to myself. I’m not clingy, I’m far from the ugly side, and I have class. You could say I could be the perfect girlfriend. So...why shouldn’t I ask him out when he’s over her?
Because it’s wrong...isn’t it???
But she wasn’t even a good girlfriend. It wasn’t my fault she can’t keep her man satisfied...or was it??
But seeing him smile everyday and knowing that he’s not mine will forever haunt my heart. I couldn’t control the attraction I have for him. The heart wants what the heart wants...right?

This seemed to be your idea of directly telling people how she was but you only made her look so cocky. Not a very lovable thing. This goes under originality since the main character always ‘has’ to be perfect. Then why was he with Jessica in the first place?

I do, however, commend you for the end but it seems as if you had done no research whatsoever. Gays are hardly that welcome in South Korea. And your idea of ‘mental’ is off the charts, under deep ocean. Bi-polar is DEADLY in its own ways but you made Jessica have the ability to rationalize even after breaking up with Gikwang. Being bipolar, she would have ‘died’ for Gikwang and wouldn’t even have broken up with him.

The fact that he didn’t seem to care about the protagonist liking him is unrealistic also. Her feelings were really strong for him, as so you let off. So why did she simply brush it off in the letter?

You lacked hardcore flow and seemed to have not been able to piece everything together.

Imagery/Writing Style: 12/20

Your imagery is over the top, it’s very repetitive and god knows how many examples we need to know how it ‘looks.’ I’m assuming we need 20? Really though, chillax your examples. We only need 1 or two.

Grammar/Format: 9/10

I really lost where I was in the story since of lack of format. You’d do time skips and ect…

Grammar is not my forte in reviewing but something bugged me amidst all of it, probably your repetitive speaking.

Ending: 1/10

Your idea of wanting a humorous, out of place ending? I don’t think so. You usually put off signs in the beginning of your one-shots but no there was no such thing!

37/85= 44 pct

I assume this story was ‘funny.’

But I have no humor.

Now you probably got a low score from me (everyone does) so I hope you understand that some stories get 80 percent and there are stories that are 2x better than those stories. In other words that would make those stories 160 percent. And even the greatest authors are in the 90 percentile range. So I’m sorry if you came here expecting a good percentage but reviews are supposed to help you gain knowledge of how to improve your stories. (I get upset writers so I want to explain to them here to prevent upset moods.)

Labels: Review Results

RukiBlood - You wish this was a love story

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